Saturday, April 2, 2011

Have you seen my Groove?

So, I'm back at it - sort of.  I had my crazy surgery.  My plumbing is mostly working properly.  I spent the better part of 2 months "on the bench."  I officially got released by the doc.  Now I just feel like I've lost my groove.

I ate too much over the Holidays and gained back a little of the weight I lost during 2010.  Then I had surgery.  I had delusions of losing all that Holiday weight by the time I had my post-op appointment.  I didn't do that.  BUT, the good news is that I didn't GAIN any weight while I was recovering and spending a couple of months feeling sorry for myself.

Now it's been a full month since my post-op appointment and I STILL haven't lost all that Holiday weight.  I have lost some.  I haven't gained more.  I'm back to working out pretty much every day.  Still, I'm just not feeling it.

My head isn't in the game.  I'm doing OK with the food.  I stay mostly "in the box" most of the time, but the weekends are hard.  I make excuses to add veggies to the box or to eat a salad or something when we eat out.  I haven't been able to suck it up and get 100% in the box with no "real" food.  I know that if I do that, I can break through this plateau.

I stay sort of in the box.  I work out every day.  The scale just kind of hovers.  I debate with myself.  I give myself pep talks.  I still just kinda half ass do this.  The scale still hovers.

I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.  No one else can motivate me.  No one else can inspire me.  This is up to me.  I have to suck it up and drop these last 50ish pounds.  I know if I would just get 100% in the box for several months I could do it.  But I've done the HMR thing for so long, the thought makes me a little sick.  I'm tired of HMR.  Also, a little voice in my head tells me I'll have to learn how to maintain a healthy weight and eat real food. 

Lately I find myself in this constant internal debate about the speed and "ease" of HMR vs. the logic of eating meal replacements and the fatigue of continuing to do the program.

I have loads of friends doing Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem or the latest low carb (Atkins in a different package) diet.  I have loads of friends doing well and loads of friends struggling.  I know that there is an answer.  I know that everyone has an individual answer.  While WW works for some, it doesn't work for others.  I know HMR works for me.  I guess I'm typing all this in hopes of motivating and inspiring myself.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up 50 pounds lighter.  While I feel loads better than I did a year ago, I don't feel as good as I did 4 or 5 months ago.  I was hoping I'd bounce back with the workouts by now.  But, after my little sabbatical, I've been back a month and still feel like I'm miles away from where I was pre-surgery.

I feel tired and fat and sluggish and unmotivated.  UGH!


  1. Kellie! You can do this. I know you said only you can motivate yourself, which is true, but still.... YOU CAN DO THIS!

    I think when you are living in something the way you have been, you sometimes lose sight of certain aspects of your situation. So I just want to say.... For the love of GOD you had MAJOR surgery, so while you've been cleared to exercise, do you think it's possible that your body is still recovering a bit? I mean, the description of what was done to you all in one big swoop is insane.

    Please be kind to yourself. You've come so far, and you are committed.

    You can do it!

  2. I am well aware that there's very little any of us out here can say to make you feel better. But I do think it's worth pointing out that you're awesome. You can and will do this thing. Keep going. Something will click and it will get easier. It will never be easy. But it will get easier. Love you and am proud of you beyond anything you could know.... even if the damn scale isn't cooperating. :-)