Saturday, April 2, 2011

Have you seen my Groove?

So, I'm back at it - sort of.  I had my crazy surgery.  My plumbing is mostly working properly.  I spent the better part of 2 months "on the bench."  I officially got released by the doc.  Now I just feel like I've lost my groove.

I ate too much over the Holidays and gained back a little of the weight I lost during 2010.  Then I had surgery.  I had delusions of losing all that Holiday weight by the time I had my post-op appointment.  I didn't do that.  BUT, the good news is that I didn't GAIN any weight while I was recovering and spending a couple of months feeling sorry for myself.

Now it's been a full month since my post-op appointment and I STILL haven't lost all that Holiday weight.  I have lost some.  I haven't gained more.  I'm back to working out pretty much every day.  Still, I'm just not feeling it.

My head isn't in the game.  I'm doing OK with the food.  I stay mostly "in the box" most of the time, but the weekends are hard.  I make excuses to add veggies to the box or to eat a salad or something when we eat out.  I haven't been able to suck it up and get 100% in the box with no "real" food.  I know that if I do that, I can break through this plateau.

I stay sort of in the box.  I work out every day.  The scale just kind of hovers.  I debate with myself.  I give myself pep talks.  I still just kinda half ass do this.  The scale still hovers.

I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do.  No one else can motivate me.  No one else can inspire me.  This is up to me.  I have to suck it up and drop these last 50ish pounds.  I know if I would just get 100% in the box for several months I could do it.  But I've done the HMR thing for so long, the thought makes me a little sick.  I'm tired of HMR.  Also, a little voice in my head tells me I'll have to learn how to maintain a healthy weight and eat real food. 

Lately I find myself in this constant internal debate about the speed and "ease" of HMR vs. the logic of eating meal replacements and the fatigue of continuing to do the program.

I have loads of friends doing Weight Watchers or Nutrisystem or the latest low carb (Atkins in a different package) diet.  I have loads of friends doing well and loads of friends struggling.  I know that there is an answer.  I know that everyone has an individual answer.  While WW works for some, it doesn't work for others.  I know HMR works for me.  I guess I'm typing all this in hopes of motivating and inspiring myself.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up 50 pounds lighter.  While I feel loads better than I did a year ago, I don't feel as good as I did 4 or 5 months ago.  I was hoping I'd bounce back with the workouts by now.  But, after my little sabbatical, I've been back a month and still feel like I'm miles away from where I was pre-surgery.

I feel tired and fat and sluggish and unmotivated.  UGH!